Why Emotional Avoidance Is More Common Than You Think
Have you ever buried yourself in
work right after a difficult conversation? Scrolled through your phone instead
of sitting with a uncomfortable feeling? Or kept telling yourself you're fine
when you're clearly not?
If so, you've experienced
emotional avoidance — and you're far from alone. Understanding what emotional
avoidance looks like is the first step to breaking free from it. This habit
quietly shapes our relationships, our mental health, and even our physical
wellbeing, often without us realising it's happening at all.
The tricky part? Emotional avoidance feels like self-protection in the moment. But over time, it becomes a wall between you and the full experience of your own life.
What Is Emotional Avoidance?
Emotional avoidance is the
tendency to sidestep, suppress, or distract yourself from uncomfortable
feelings — things like sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, or loneliness. Rather
than processing these emotions, we push them away because, well, feelings can be
messy and painful.
It's important to note: this isn't a character flaw. It's a very human coping mechanism, often learned in childhood when emotions weren't safe or welcome. The problem is that unprocessed emotions don't disappear — they tend to show up louder, in different forms, later on.
What Emotional Avoidance Looks Like in Everyday Life
Emotional avoidance rarely looks
like someone dramatically slamming the door on their feelings. More often, it's
subtle — woven quietly into daily habits and behaviours. Here are the most
common signs:
1. Staying Constantly Busy
One of the clearest signs of
what emotional avoidance looks like is the compulsive need to always be doing
something. Filling every spare moment with tasks, plans, or productivity — not
because you love being busy, but because stillness feels unbearable.
Example: You've just had a
falling out with a close friend. Instead of sitting with the discomfort, you
deep-clean the house, reply to every pending email, and sign up for a new
online course — all in one afternoon.
2. Numbing With Substances or Screens
Alcohol, social media,
binge-watching, overeating, excessive gaming — these can all serve as emotional
anaesthetics. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of these in moderation,
but when they're used to escape feelings, they become avoidance.
The tell-tale sign? You reach
for them not out of enjoyment, but out of the need to not feel something.
3. Intellectualising Instead of Feeling
Some people avoid emotions by
analysing them to death. They can explain why they feel a certain way in great
psychological detail — but they never actually feel it. This is called
intellectualising, and it's a sophisticated (and very common) form of avoidance.
Example: "I understand that
I'm experiencing grief due to an attachment disruption caused by the loss of a
significant relationship." Great insight — but are you actually letting
yourself cry?
4. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
If you consistently dodge
conflict, change the subject when things get emotional, or go quiet when you
need to speak up — emotional avoidance might be at play. The discomfort of the
conversation feels worse than the slow damage of leaving things unsaid.
5. Physical Symptoms With No Clear Cause
Suppressed emotions often show
up in the body. Chronic headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, fatigue —
these can all be the body's way of holding emotions the mind refuses to
process. This connection between emotional suppression and physical symptoms is
well-documented in psychology and mind-body research.
6. Minimising or Dismissing Your Own Feelings
Phrases like "I shouldn't feel this way," "It's not a big deal," or "Other people have it worse" are classic emotional avoidance moves. You invalidate your own experience before anyone else can, which feels safer — but prevents genuine processing.
Common Mistakes People Make
When trying to address emotional
avoidance, people often fall into a few traps:
•
Confusing distraction with rest. Not all
downtime is avoidance — but if you feel worse after 'relaxing', it might be a
sign you're escaping rather than recharging.
•
Thinking being positive means not feeling
negative. Toxic positivity is its own form of avoidance. You're allowed to feel
hard things.
•
Rushing to fix the feeling. The goal isn't to
eliminate discomfort — it's to move through it. Trying to 'solve' grief or
anxiety too quickly is avoidance in disguise.
•
Using therapy buzzwords without doing the work.
Understanding that you have avoidant patterns is helpful. But insight alone
won't change behaviour — practice will.
Practical Steps to Move Through Emotions (Not Around Them)
The good news: emotional
avoidance is a learned pattern, which means it can be unlearned. You don't have
to dive into the deep end immediately. Here's how to start:
✦ Name What You're Feeling
Before you can process an
emotion, you need to identify it. Try moving beyond "I feel bad" to
something more specific: anxious, ashamed, disappointed, lonely, overwhelmed.
Research shows that labelling emotions (called affect labelling) actually
reduces their intensity.
✦ Schedule 'Feeling Time'
This sounds strange, but it
works. Set aside 10–15 minutes daily to sit with whatever emotions are present
— no phone, no distractions. You might journal, breathe, or simply observe what
comes up. The structure makes it feel less overwhelming.
✦ Get Curious, Not Critical
Instead of judging yourself for
feeling something, get curious about it. Ask: "Where do I feel this in my
body? When did this feeling start? What is it trying to tell me?"
Curiosity creates space. Judgement creates walls.
✦ Try the 90-Second Rule
Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte
Taylor found that the physiological life cycle of an emotion in the body is
approximately 90 seconds. If you allow yourself to fully experience an emotion
— without feeding or fighting it — it will often peak and subside within a
minute and a half. Try riding it out rather than running.
✦ Reach Out
Emotional avoidance thrives in
isolation. Talking to a trusted friend, partner, or therapist can make what
felt unbearable feel manageable. You don't have to have it figured out before
you reach out — that's the point of the conversation.
|
Quick Solutions at a Glance Feel it to heal it. • Name the emotion specifically. • Set
10–15 minutes of daily 'feeling time'. • Use the 90-second rule when emotion
peaks. • Talk to someone you trust. • Be curious, not critical, about what
you feel. |
Key Takeaways
Understanding what emotional
avoidance looks like is genuinely one of the most useful things you can do for
your mental and emotional health. It's not about wallowing in feelings or being
consumed by them — it's about developing the courage and capacity to let your
inner life breathe.
Start small. Notice when you
reach for your phone to escape a feeling. Pause before numbing out. Give
yourself the grace to feel something difficult for 90 seconds instead of
running from it.
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